I have a confession to make. A lot of the time, I fake it. No, not my fibromyalgia. When I go out, most of the time, I fake being well. I usually tell people it’s a good day, and I let people make whatever assumption they like. I pretend that I’m not hurting, and that it’s not a struggle to follow the conversation.
I’ve been doing this for a long time. The downside is, that I started to get very good at hiding things. I was hiding my fatigue behind make-up and medication. Hiding my pain and anxiety behind happy chatter and my depression behind a fake smile.
I had noticed that I was having the occasional flat day, but I figured that having a chronic illness I was bound to feel a bit down from time to time. I smiled and said c’est la vie when people asked how I was. They marvelled at how well I was dealing with things and inside I wanted to scream and cry.
I did it so well, I didn’t even realise how bad I was. Until one day, I had to make my knight stay home from work because the mower man was coming and I was having a panic attack. He’s a nice man and has been mowing our lawn for years, and other than liking to talk too much he isn’t the slightest bit threatening. I realised that I needed help.
It still took me a few months to find the right person and actually take that step of booking an appointment. But it was a step worth taking.
I have been seeing my psychologist, Julie, for about six months and she is worth her weight in gold. I had not realised just how far down the depression slope I had slid. I realised that the occasional flat day was actually the days that I was aware of my mood – and that the problem had been running much deeper than that.
Now I want to be completely clear. Fibromyalgia IS NOT CAUSED by anxiety or depression. It is very common that sufferers of any chronic pain or health condition will also suffer from anxiety and/or depression. It is a very common co-morbid condition.
While I don’t think it has made much of a difference in regards to my pain or fatigue, I am certainly in a better head space. The advantage to this, is that then I am more able to do the things that do help me with pain and fatigue. I am more motivated and organised to make GAPS friendly foods that are also tasty and interesting. I am doing my yoga and the exercises my physiotherapist gave me. I survived Christmas, by having a plan (but dropped the ball after that, so it’s still a work in progress).
And I started writing this blog. The only reason this blog exists, is because Julie encouraged me to start using writing as therapy. I extended that out to writing a blog. Partly because if I know that someone might be reading this, then I’ll actually get myself motivated to write something. And partly because it would be great if something I wrote, actually helped someone.
Mental health does not get the positive attention it deserves. There is a negative stigma about seeking help with mental health in the general community. This stigma becomes a double-edged sword for Fibrowarriors. Too many people are told that their fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue symptoms are ‘all in their head’ and dismissed. This sometimes leads to a backlash against seeking mental health. When you know that your symptoms are real, but the very person you are trusting with your health tells you that they are not, that trust becomes weak.
People retreat behind their defensive wall, and decide that because their symptoms are real (AND THEY ARE!) then they don’t need mental help, they just need physical help.
And this is where I strongly disagree. Suffering from constant pain and fatigue is draining, both physically and mentally. Losing your independence, your identity, your job and your ability to see friends is heartbreaking. For some, they lose their partner and/or children. Having cognitive dysfunction reduces confidence and the ability to interact. Having a disease that is poorly understood, with treatment currently consisting of a trial and error regime of symptom masking medication is not an easy burden.
Remember, the ability to laugh at something does not mean you are not well on the way to a potentially serious depressive state.
So get some help. Go to your GP. Ask for a mental health plan (in Australia) and a referral. Plug “Psychologists for chronic pain in (insert your city here)” into google. Pick up the phone and make an appointment. It might just be the most important phone call you ever make.
